Horizons Ch. 05: Finding Ellie

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The 5th installment of Jody and Ellie.

Please read Slow Burn, Stolen Moments, Smoldering Fire then parts 1 and 2 of Smoke Effects (in that order) to catch up with their story.

As always, a like and comment would be excellent.

I’m working on the last piece of their story so please comment.

***

“Mom, dad is here. I’ll see you in a few days.” Timmy said, snapping me out of my haze as he hugged me then left to spend the weekend with his father. We’ve been doing the every-other-weekend and two-days-during-the-week thing for over three months now. Jessie refused to go most of the time. She didn’t spend much of that extra time with me either, she hadn’t forgiven me for messing things up with Jody.

I watched them pull out of the driveway and dreaded another weekend alone. My life looked so different than it did a few months ago. I had finally gotten the courage to end my marriage, but in the aftermath of that I had ruined any future with the woman I loved. Some days I wasn’t sure why I was still pushing forward. My daughter barely spoke to me, my son spent most of his free time with his friends and I had lost not only my lover but also my best friend. Work was the only part of my day to day that hadn’t changed much. I was never so glad for summer to end as I had been this year.

Work was the distraction I sorely needed from the shit show my personal life had become. It was common knowledge that my marriage ended in flames. Everyone was great at side-stepping that issue and I heard a lot of ‘never really liked him anyways’ and some ‘You are better offs’. I usually just nodded. I couldn’t have cared any less about that aspect of the inferno burning around me. My marriage was over long before we made it official. Long before I had cheated on him with Jody and long before I had cheated on Jody.

I got a few ‘at least you have Jody’ from people who didn’t know our “friendship” was over. I never had the emotional energy to explain she was no longer in my life. I usually just smiled and nodded while I cried inside.

What really wasn’t common knowledge was the breakdown that had started before the night I fucked a nearly random woman from a bar. That continued until I had messed up everything and culminated with an attempt on my own life and a stay at a not so local hospital. What had almost cost me custody of my kids. The only reason it didn’t was Evan, in true Evan form, didn’t want full physical custody. He only wanted the every-other-weekend and a couple-days-during-the-week thing. Even that wasn’t always something he wanted.

Evan had a new “girlfriend” every few weeks. I got a lot of pity looks for that. A lot of ‘oh he left her’ looks. I didn’t care. He could have whatever he wanted as long as he stayed away from me. I poured myself into my work, taking on a few new faculty advising positions for various clubs at the school. Anything to not be home alone in an empty feeling house. I knew the whispers around the school got back to the kids, but I couldn’t stop rumors, I couldn’t protect them fully from this.

I texted Jessie to see if she was planning to be home this evening. She replied quickly that she would be, but not until later. I decided to take myself on a walk to the lake. It was a 4 mile round trip and was usually just enough to clear my head so I could stand myself. I didn’t trust myself to hike anymore. The last time I went into the woods alone I barely came out, and only did on a stretcher.

***

That day had started with Jody showing up at the house while I was having my morning coffee. I had kicked Evan out, and had been refusing to respond to Jody for days. I was hurting her by ignoring her, but I knew if I didn’t, I would hurt her more. She had no idea what I had done. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t let it be real.

The kids were gone already when she walked in unannounced. She knew the passcode on the garage, had known it for a long time. I wasn’t prepared to see her face. Broke down crying when I did. She walked towards me, tears in her own eyes and put her arms around me. I tried to keep her from holding me but I had no fight in me. I melted into her. Smelled her and felt her heat. I inhaled like it would be the last time I would smell her. I was certain it would be.

“Whatever it is Ellie, we can work it out. We can get through it.” She gently said as she continued to hold me.

We stayed locked together, my tears coming harder and harder. Waves of panic began to hit me as what I had done to betray her played through my head. I pushed away from her. Shook her off when she tried to hold me again. “No. No. Don’t please.” I gulped out the words in between ragged breaths. She stood there staring at me as I spiraled down. She had seen this only once before, months ago. Back then it was Evan that was the catalyst. I knew she assumed I had been shutting her out because of him again. The love in her eyes as she watched me was killing me inside. I crumpled to the floor.

I don’t know how long I sat there, the waves building and crashing over bursa escort me. I knew she was near me, could hear the muffled hum of her voice in the distance, but I couldn’t let her near me. If I sensed she was coming close I moved away. I ended up with my back pressed up against the wall, couldn’t move any further. I could hear my own voice saying no over and over. I wasn’t sure if it was in my head. My chest hurt. My fingers tingled. I just wanted it all to stop.

She stopped trying to come closer and slowly my body calmed down. I sat staring at nothing. I was exhausted and my head started to bob as my eyes got heavier. I felt her slowly come closer again, place herself next to me, put her arm around me. I had nothing left to fight her off with. She put one finger under my chin, lifted it and looked into my eyes. She placed a gentle kiss on my lips. My tears started again, only this time all I could manage were quiet sobs. She kissed me again and I let her. I knew I shouldn’t. I knew it would hurt us both but my heart was hollow and I needed her to fill it back up. Even if it was only for now. Tomorrow would have to deal with itself.

She kissed both my eyes, tears still slowly falling from them. Her fingers pushed my wild hair behind my ears, trailed down my neck. I closed my eyes. I let her touch me. Her kisses continued from my eyes to my nose to my neck. She was so gentle. I swallowed a gut wrenching sob. “It’s okay. I’m here. I love you.” She whispered.

I sobbed again. She had no idea who she was saying this to. I tried to open my mouth and tell her. Tell her what I had done. Nothing came out. My hand moved to her face, ran down her cheek. She was so soft. She leaned into my hand, moved her head to kiss it. I didn’t deserve this. I wanted what I didn’t deserve. She leaned over and kissed me again, a little deeper than before. I kissed her back. She smiled at me. I sobbed again.

She stood up and reached down for my hands. I resisted at first. She knelt down, looked into my eyes, ” Come on hun, you need to get off this cold hard floor.”

I didn’t want to move. If I moved, if I went with her I would hurt her more. I knew I would. She stood up again and took my hands and this time I relented and let her help me up. I wobbled a little. She put her hand on my arm to steady me. More tears filled my eyes. She made sure I was stable and walked to the fridge, pulled out a water bottle and handed it to me. I simply looked at it in my hand. She took it back, opened it then handed it back to me, “Drink.” And I did.

When I had finished she took my hand again and walked me to the living room. She sat me down on the couch and sat next to me. “I wish you would talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” Her eyes pleaded with me.

Another sob escaped, but I didn’t respond to her. My voice had escaped me. She was still holding my hand, her thumb moving back and forth across my skin. The electricity that was always under her touch was there, hadn’t been lost in my betrayal. I turned my head away, leaned back. She wasn’t giving up. Her finger was under my chin again, turning my head towards her. She kissed me gently. I hated myself but I kissed her back, less gentle. She responded. Soon our tongues were intertwined.

Jody moved and climbed to straddle my lap, her hands went on either side of my face as we continued to kiss. I could feel her warmth radiating towards me. I put my hands on her lower back, pulled her closer to me as her hips began to roll into me. My hands moved up under her shirt, caressed her back. She wasn’t wearing a bra. I lifted her shirt up and off of her. New tears pooled as I looked at her. She leaned in, offering me her breasts. I took one in my mouth and the other in my hand. She rolled and ground into me more.

Jody’s hands began to wander, trying to heal a wound she didn’t know the enormity of. Soon she was cupping my mound, teasing my folds with her finger. I was slick with desire. She pulled her hand out, licked her finger and then slipped down, tugged off my sweats and panties and burying her face between my legs. I let the warmth of her, the warmth of her love wash over me. For a brief moment my guilt was pushed aside, forgotten as I rode waves of love. My hips moved to meet her tongue and fingers and as I exploded new tears started.

Jody watched as my body slowed and came up to look me in the eyes. ” It’s okay hun. I promise.”

But it wasn’t. It was never going to be again. I pushed her away, put my clothes back on as she stared at me with bewilderment in her eyes. I gave her her shirt, told her to leave. To never come back. That I didn’t deserve her or to be alive. Then I found the rest of my voice. I watched her eyes change, her face fall as I confessed my treachery. She didn’t cry. The pain radiating out of her eyes was like a knife to my heart. I had ruined us. She turned silently and walked out of my house. I fell again to the floor. Only this time I was truly alone.

When I came out of the haze I found myself in the woods, on a trail I knew well. One that rarely bursa escort bayan had other people on it. I didn’t remember driving to the trailhead or hiking to where I was. I didn’t remember how the bottle of pills got into my pocket. I palmed them and knew why though. I looked around at the beauty of nature and then I downed nearly the whole bottle and waited for my pain to end.

I woke up hours later in the hospital. I had been found by a couple who happened to pick that day to hike and that trail to explore. I was transferred to a specialized facility the next day and spent some time dealing with my demons. Then I went home to my nearly empty house, went back to tidy up the divorce and throw myself into my work. I walked through each day with nearly robotic precision. I showed up to work, I went grocery shopping, I cooked for my kids when they were home. My house was clean, always. To all who looked in, I was better. Strong. Healed. I was not any of these things.

***

I hadn’t seen Jody since that day. I had my suspicions that Jessie knew the truth of what had happened, or at least some version of it. Those that knew about that day on the mountain assumed it was from my then pending divorce. I let them. Very few had any knowledge of anything more than I had gotten sick. Exhaustion caused by a collapsing marriage.

I sat down on a bench near the boat dock, pulling my knees up to my chin. These walks to the lake nearly daily helped chase the demons away just a little. The way the sun sparkles off the waves, the happy sounds of kids playing, the sounds and smells from the boats and jet skis assaulted my senses. These moments sitting here my mind was calmer. I hated myself just a little bit less. At least for a few minutes.

I stayed until the sun began to drop behind the mountains then made my way home. Jessie still wasn’t home when I arrived. I went inside, changed into sweats and curled up on the couch to watch a movie. A few hours later I was woken up to the sounds of Jessie coming home. I sat up as she came into the living room.

“Hey mom.”

I rubbed my eyes, noting it was only 11:30. “Hey hun. How was your night?”

“Ughhh,” she said as she plopped down next to me. “Why are teenage boys so damn immature. Wait, scratch that, why are all guys so immature??” She swung around and put her legs over mine. She hadn’t sat like this with me in a very long time. I had missed my daughter.

I put my arm on her legs and laughed a little. ” You’re asking me if I understand men?”

Jessie laughed a little too. ” I know I know but seriously. Tyler is such a tool sometimes. He and his dumb-ass friends ruined the party. Apparently it’s super fun to set hairspray on fire like a blow torch and light lighter fluid in your hand. I am so done with them.” She grabbed some of my blanket and pulled it over herself as she talked. I had missed moments like these with her. I prayed it was a sign things were going to get better.

“Guys were doing the same dumb things when I was teen. Some things never change apparently. I’m sorry it ruined the night.”

“It’s okay. I have to work at 9am tomorrow so getting home early is probably not a bad thing.” She got up, came over gave me a quick hug and said goodnight. It was the first time in a long time she had given me an unprompted hug. I went to bed myself and slept better than I had in a long time.

Things were slowly getting less tense with Jessie since last Friday night. I was grateful for that. It was “my weekend” with the kids and Timmy had a race the next morning. I didn’t make it to a single summer series race and hadn’t seen him race since before Evan and I split. Jessie suggested going to this one together.

It was 90 minutes away and there was a mall nearby. She said we could spend some time together shopping after the race. Even though it was my weekend, Timmy would go to and from the race with Evan and another coach.

“If it gets to be too much for you we can leave early. You have to get back into the world mom.” I knew she was right, but I didn’t know if I was ready, if I would ever be ready. It wasn’t like Jessie to want to go to anything for her brother, so I knew this was more about me than him.

“Jes, you don’t have to take care of me. I’m getting there just not sure I’m ready for that yet.”

“I know I don’t have to mom and I know I’ve been kinda a bitch for awhile but I’m trying now. I’m sorry.” She came and gave me a hug. I tried not to let the tears that were pooling in my eyes spill as she hugged me.

I agreed that we would try the race. It would be good to be somewhere else even for a few hours. I grabbed my phone and texted Evan so he would know I was planning to be there. We had a general working disdain for each other. It never boiled over, neither of us cared enough about the marriage crumbling to be anything but indifferent around each other. He simply responded with his typical k. I told Jessie we were on and we would leave early in the morning so we could stop for Dunkin’ on the way.

The escort bursa next morning my anxiety was high. I took my meds, hoping to get through this day without leaning out over the edge. I slapped on a smile as Jessie and I climbed into my Sorento. I had traded in the van for something smaller last month. Jessie took aux and off we went.

I started to relax as the caffeine worked with the music and the sounds of the road. We sang along to the music loudly, and badly. We had some laughs and before long we were pulling into the venue. As I parked my heart started to race. I gripped the steering wheel so hard my knuckles were white.

“Mom. Momm. MOM!”

I snapped out of and looked at Jes. She had that look on her face. That ‘is my mom gonna lose it again’ look. I took a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m okay. Let’s go”. I moved quickly out of the driver’s seat and we headed to go find the teams tent.

The younger kids were already racing. Timmy had moved up an age group this season so we hadn’t missed him. I remember him saying how much harder the competition was. We found their tent. A couple of the older kids were getting their gear all ready. Everyone else was on the course watching the younger kids. Jessie and I put our bag down.

“Hey Jessie! Hey Timmy’s mom long time no see!”

We exchanged hellos. I couldn’t help but wonder what these teens thought about why I had been mia for months. As if she could read my mind Jessie quietly said, ” They just think because of the divorce you’ve stayed away mom, it’s okay.” I nodded.

We started walking over to the start/finish line. I could see a few of the team parents. I readied myself for them. I got lots of ‘hellos’ and ‘long time no sees’ and luckily not much more. One perk to having a breakdown right as your marriage ends, everyone seems to think you pulled away because of the break-up.

As the younger kids finished and the older ones began queuing up I spotted Madi and Joe. I hadn’t allowed my mind to think about the fact they would be here. I kept my distance, from everyone waiting for the racers to start. Timmy had a great, start was in the top 10 going into the woods. Jessie and I started to walk to where we could see them on the trails when I was frozen in place by a voice behind me.

“Hi Jessie.”

My heart leapt into my throat. Fuck. She hardly ever goes to races. Why hadn’t I thought more about how she might be here. Fuck. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. I stayed frozen in that spot until I heard Jessie reply then turn back to me. “Come on Mom.” And she tugged my arm forward. I followed without a word.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know she would be here I promise. Fuck Mom I’m really sorry.”

I didn’t respond. I hated that my 17 year old had to worry about her mother’s mental well being. I had lived with mental health issues my whole life, but I had been able to keep them in check until a few months ago. Jessie didn’t have the years of experience dealing with a mother with issues that I had by her age. “It’s fine Jessie. Let’s just walk please.” And we continued deeper into the trails.

We watched more and went to the finish to see Timmy and the rest come across the line. I gave Timmy a giant hug as he dismounted his bike. He had come in 8th overall, finishing first from his team. He went to go celebrate with the team and I was more than ready to leave. I told Jessie I was gonna go to the tent to grab our stuff then we would could go.

I got to the tent and found our bag, it had gotten buried under a pile of team gear. As I pulled it out I heard my name.

“Ellie.”

I froze again.

“El. Please. ” the voice was almost pleading with me to turn around.

I took a deep breath and slowly turned around. My eyes washed over her. Her hair was shorter, but other than that she was exactly as I remembered. Right down to the pain in her eyes. I started to move out of the tent. She stepped to block me. Stepped towards me.

“Don’t.” Was all I could say.

“Just let me talk for a second Ellie. We have to figure out how to be in the same space. Our kids are best friends. They race together. We have to figure it out.” I stared at her. There was no figuring it out. I had destroyed the best thing I had ever had. You can’t unburn bridges, and I didn’t burn that bridge I threw dynamite on it. That can’t be undone.

“No. I shouldn’t have come today. I won’t come again. You don’t need to deal with me in your world.” This time I moved past her and exited the tent. For a brief moment I caught her scent and I was flooded with memories of better days.

I walked to the parking lot, texted Jessie where I was. She met me and I told her to drive I needed to not have to. We spent the remainder of the day shopping and then we went to dinner. I couldn’t get Jody out of my head though.

We got home before Timmy, and Jessie wanted me to talk about what happened between Jody and I. I told her again she didn’t need to take care of me. What happened was between Jody and I. I knew she wasn’t going to give up trying to fix me. Fix Jody and I. We were unfixable. I was going to have to ruin any chance of her ever respecting me again and tell her the truth of what I had done. It would be the only way. I would do it, but not tonight.

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